Thursday, February 23, 2017

bodily fluids.

i'm sitting here in two (or maybe three?) day old pajamas that are never fully buttoned up the front, wondering when my last shower was. i remember when my husbands last shower was, because of course he takes one every night. it must feel nice to be clean all the time. at any given moment i may have traces of every type of bodily fluid you can imagine on me...even those that are more solid than fluid. like boogers. what happened to me that i'm not even phased by all of these really gross things?
that's right, i became a mother. and now my life revolves around bodily fluids.
for instance.
1. in the last three days i have cried more about breastmilk than i've ever cried over any ex-boyfriend. if you would have told me 10 years ago (when i was a mere child. ha), that i'd be crying over my sons latch, i would have laughed. i would have said, "that's a really funny joke. a really weird, but funny, joke." but here i sit. with tears in my eyes because i'm concerned my boobs aren't giving that liquid gold like they should.
2. my daughter is 2 1/2 and is about as excited about potty training as i am about dieting. like, "yeah, we'll start monday" kinda thing. it's smart really, her still using diapers. she never has to take time out of her busy youtube kids watching day to sit on the toilet for a few minutes. she's a time-saver, i respect it. but for real, i'm over changing "i-just-pooped-and-sat-down-and-bounced-around-on-my-butt" diapers. i'm convinced they smell worse everyday. i don't even worry about nose hair, because the smell of her poop diapers have burned all mine off. and let's not get started on diaper "genies". it's 2017...i'm not asking for a diaper pail that turns dirty diapers into reusable shopping bags. all i want is a diaper pail that doesn't smell like a homeless man took a dump in.

so that's my life, at the moment. i figured i'd pick this blog back up so in 20 years (when i'm sure the internet will be something we laugh about, like AOL chat rooms, and landlines) i can remember what it felt like to be in the trenches of mothering two small if i will be any less ridiculous when my kids are 20 and 22. i'm pretty sure i'll be that mom...tracking their phones (or maybe i'll just get them microchipped?), and they will still be sleeping in cribs and i'll have video monitors in their dorm rooms. sorry kids, not sorry.